


spacial

by hiroshimalovers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5555210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiroshimalovers/pseuds/hiroshimalovers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes it's not the end that matters, but the middle</p><p>(Poe's heart has never beat quite right)</p>
            </blockquote>





	spacial

**Author's Note:**

> yet ANOTHER Poe character piece, because I love him  
> thank you so much to anyone who has left a comment on a previous work  
> if any of you have prompts or anything, hit me up @ revolutionaryarsenal on tumblr

There’s a very terrifying sadness that gets caught in Poe’s chest sometime between the time his mother passed away and the time he meets Finn. It’s the kind that flutters, makes his heart beat too slow and too reckless. Sometimes he doesn’t close his eyes at night. Sometimes he doesn’t want to wake up.

 

He wants to say it’s not easy being the best pilot in the galaxy, but he thinks. It’s not acceptable. He has the kind of sideways privilege that comes with being a human with quick reflexes and quicker eyes. It’s easy being the pilot, he thinks, it’s easy to work and to fly, but it’s not easy to live. Expectations live as devils, and it’s not easy to live.

 

The rebellion took him in, of course they did, and he fought for them, fights for them, flies for them, and  most of all, he believes in them. At some point, he thinks he ended up living for them. They’re the reason he is a lot of who he is. He’s the reason for some of who they are.

 

When he meets the famed General Leia for the first time, she’s not at all what he expected. He thought of her as a mosaic of stories across time, half a jedi, and half a politician with the tongue of a snake, but she isn’t. She’s firm in the quiet way that comes with getting used to power, and the complete and utter respect from everyone around is palpable. She’s small but her voice carries, but most of all, she’s so much warmer and kinder than Poe would ever expected.

 

He’s working on his X-wing, because what else does he (can he) do. His hands are greasy, and he tries to wipe them off, but she shakes them firmly anyway. He knows he probably smells like oil and metal shavings, but she just smiles at him.  _ Poe Dameron? We’re glad to have you here, _ and he smiles, stunned, and thanks her, and she tells him about the next mission they need him on but ends it with  _ you can always say no. always.  _

 

Poe would never say no, especially to General Leia, despite the dangers involved. It’s going to help people, and if he is the cost, if he is the cost, that’s alright. He’s one person. It’s worth the cost, and if it’s General Leia asking, it’s always going to be worth the cost. 

 

His ship gets blown up, a great rebellion ally is killed, and he is taken into capture on a ship that sounds bigger than anything he’s ever seen or fought. A man in a mask comes, and he screams, and tries to resist. It’s for the rebellion. The rebellion is worth it. 

 

That’s when, that’s when he meets the stormtrooper. That’s when he realizes his heart knows how to beat crooked. It keeps beating crooked.

 

_ You need a pilot//I need a pilot _

 

His heart beats so very crooked, and he flies, blood rushing through his veins and he feels like he’s eight again, his mother’s hands guiding him on the stick of a ship, and it’s a very certain kind of reckless excitement.

 

FN-2187. Finn. His heart beats crooked for Finn.

 

Everything happens too fast, he’s flying, he’s flying, he’s flying, Finn is gone (lost, with BB-8, who knows) and he’s flying for Leia and he’s flying for a man he met for twenty minutes on a space station geared more toward violence than friendship. 

 

There’s a very terrifying sadness that gets caught up in the excitement and loss of the world. It’s the kind of tightness that makes him wish for more. Sometimes, he lets himself dream, and sometimes, he lets himself live. 

 

He wants to say, it’s not really worth it, and he’s not the person that needs any more, but he meets Finn in a moment of worry, and it’s the best moment of worry ever conceived. Finn is someone that would be seen as brilliant in anyone eyes. Poe doesn’t need anymore, but he lets himself dream.

 

When he touches down after fighting, after flying, he turns around, and Finn is there. Finn is there and he’s wearing Poe’s jacket and Finn is there.

 

_ Keep it. It suits you. _

 

Oh gosh, his heart beats so very crooked. He feels like he could take over the world when he hugs Finn. He feels like he did the first time he flew alone. He feels nothing short of amazing, as he takes Finn to General Leia, talks plans, and Finn is there, standing in his jacket, and offering crucial information and ideals and Poe, Poe wants to look at him like he’s the sun but he deserves to be looked at like the entire galaxy.

 

General Leia, before take off, takes him aside and says,  _ don’t be reckless,  _ and he says,  _ if I were ever, now wouldn’t be the time,  _ and she looks at him with an expression he doesn’t know how to decipher. She sends him off with a firm handshake, and he’s flying, BB-8 back with him (he missed that droid.

 

He flies, and it sets his heart aflutter like it hasn’t in a long time. They fly, and they’re making hits on the target, but the damage isn’t enough. It’s not enough, it’s never enough but then, when half the fleet is taken out, when half his friends are taken out, there’s suddenly more damage.

 

It’s Finn, it’s Han goddman Solo, who Poe has idolized since he was a little kid, and it’s Finn’s girl, Rey. He’s so fricking proud of Finn and Rey and he doesn’t even know one of them. Black squadron and Poe redouble their efforts and it blows. The Millennium Falcon leads the charge away from the collapsing First Order base and it blows. 

 

Finn is pulled out onto a stretcher, and Poe runs after it for a bit, but he stops. It’s up to the medical experts, and he doesn’t even know what happened. He’s not going to be a help. His heart stumbles and starts to feel more like a scattering of shards in his chest, and he waits. He’ll follow in a moment. He’ll follow in a minute.

 

Rey walks toward him and he introduces himself, and she’s even stronger than Finn described. She’s also softer around the edges, and nowhere as scary. She tells him what happened to Finn and Poe’s heart flat out skips a beat.

 

_ It’s terrifying,  _ she says,  _ it was terrifying, but he’s so strong,  _  and Poe does nothing but nod. They walk together, in the weird sort of comfortable silence coming from people who have something in common. It doesn’t matter, he realizes, if she’s talking about Kylo Ren or Finn. Either way, it’s true.

 

They stand together next to Finn in the medbay.

 

There’s a very terrifying sadness that gets lost in the feeling of a heart beating too fast because there might be a chance. It’s the kind that’s shared in experiences, in loss. 

 

There’s a very terrifying sadness that comes about from watching Finn, lifeless. 

 

There’s a very terrifying sadness that comes with loving someone for a moment, and losing them the next.

 

Poe knows. Rey knows. General Leia knows.

 

The thing about terrifying sadness is that carrying on is sometimes subhuman.

 

Sometimes, you lose.

  
It’s not a loss yet, but Poe’s heart beats like it, and he tells himself, it’s not a loss yet.


End file.
